Ira Gobler: The King Of Toys!! by Mr. Miller & Mr. Sharpadero

After weeks of requests, Popcereal was finally granted an interview with the "King Of Toys" Ira Gobler. Yours truly, Mr. Miller and Mr. Sharpadero, sat down with the legendary toy maker in his grand New York City showroom. Gobler had recently recovered from his fifth heart-attack, but showed no indication of ill health. The feeble old man we had expected to find was in fact a playful dynamo. As he rolled into the room inside a Gobler's Wobbler, any fears he was past his prime were instantly allayed. While he stroked his neck skin from the chair opposite us, the following questions rolled out...

What's your favorite toy - Gobler and non-Gobler?

Oooh- start the interview with a tough one! I love all of my toys, but the one that really has a place in my severely damaged heart is the Arachna 500. It's the gun that uses sunlight to burn ants at up to 50 feet away. You might think this is weird, but I think those ants actually scream when zapped. I originally had them screaming in the commercial, but my wife made me take it out. As for any other toys I like beside mine, forget it. I ain't pluggin' the competition!

The Gobler's Wobblers were inspired by your early encounter with a drunken barroom brawl - did Darwin the Evolving Chimp come from a barroom experience, as well?

You got that one right! My best friend, Jimmy Durante, was known as an all-around good guy. But get a couple of Gin Rickeys in him and he had his big nose up every skirt at the bar. This one time at Sardi's he had a pair of Siamese twins convinced he could separate them with his nose if they went back to his hotel with him. They did. Jimmy was the inspiration for many of my toys.

On the subject of feeling happy, what is the favorite cocktail around the Gobler household?

Every night Greta and I have a Greyhound (grapefruit and vodka) with a twist of lime. It helps us forget that we're old and sometime leads to extended foot-rubbing.

If you were a tree, what kind of kite would get caught up in your branches?

It would probably be garlic-scented and giggle a lot. Hey, that's a good idea!

Mr. Miller was a hair too big for Big Wheels when they came out, and he always felt cheated out of that experience. Anything you felt robbed out of playing with?

I'd like to go back in time and be a lawyer. I'd represent the first caveman whose foot got run over by the wheel. Did that answer the question?

No, but the wheel motif is still present. Here’s an interesting scenario - Milton Bradley, the Parker Bros., and Ira Gobler get together for a round of poker - what would happen?

The Parker Brothers are notorious cheaters and Milton Bradley only plays for stock options. I'll give you a better game: Strip poker with Lambchop and Howdy Doody. When you take away the puppets, all that's left is hairy arms.

You say that Vinnie the Vulture is the first ever Vulture toy - any other first time-toys in the making, say, like a number-crunching table lamp, or something?

Keep this under your hat, but we're working on an opera-singing doll. She hits a note that will shatter every glass in the house.

Does Mrs. Gobler mind that her husband still plays with toys?

We're like two ships in the night, Greta and me. I could touch a lady's "fun bags" in public and she wouldn't notice, unless it somehow cancelled her Macy's card.

So, would you allow Mrs. Gobler to play with your toys then?

Not since the Arachna 500 incident. She went public that it could be a dangerous toy and that ended Greta's involvement with Gobler Toys. I've had security physically remove her from this office at least three times.

On a serious note - did Burt Reynolds really have to slap Dom Deluise around, so much?

Burt (forgive me for saying this, Burt) is a typical Alpha Male and Dom is very in touch with his feminine side. I think Burt has a lot of hostility towards women and Dom is an easy substitute for the fairer sex. Hence, the slapping. What Dom needs to do is fill a squirt-gun with Windex and let Burt have it in the eyes the next time he raises a hand.

What's your favorite paperback novel?

"Bear Boy" by Gary Urey. It's a cross between "Dances With Wolves" and a Judy Blume book. The part where Bear Boy has to eat his dead father to hit puberty had me in tears.

Were Lawn Jarts really that dangerous, or did people just have very bad aim?

Whenever you get people drinking beer in a yard with sharp objects, trouble is bound to come-a-callin'. Eliminate the beer and it's a very dull game, so there's no easy solution. I would have made them out of a softer metal for starters,

When is the single from your Carnegie concert coming out? And are there any more musical excursions in your future?

I'm currently doing a project with PDiddy where I sing nursery rhymes in the gangsta rap style and Sting sings every third word. As for the Carnegie Hall concert, that's a whole 'nuther story, We lost the original tapes in a robbery so I'm going to do it again next year, accompanied by three of the original members of a Flock Of Seagulls.

I just had a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch - what'd you have?

Like you have to ask? Corned beef over brown rice with a dash of pickle juice.

Silly question. Let’s stick with the food, here. What's your favorite breakfast cereal, and your favorite show to watch with your bowl of cereal?

I have a box of Total in the cupboard that is actually filled with Fruity Pebbles. Greta doesn't want her "money machine" eating badly, so I gotta hide it. My favorite show to watch during breakfast is Little House On The Prairie. I fantasize about having Burt Reynolds slap Mrs. Olsen around. Then I'd like to take her daughter and dip her pigtails in Cheez Whiz.

What celebrity would be perfect for the role of these toys, once Hollywood comes a-knocking? Kiki the Fashion Tiki
Johnny Voodoo
Komrade Kluck
Senor and Senorita Sandwich
The Spit Brothers

Now we're talkin'! I always pictured Eartha Kitt as Kiki. She's got a head bigger than a tractor tire. Johnny Voodoo would have to be played by Jackie Chan. I actually heard he's interested in the role. Komrade Kluck- no question there, it would have to be Howard Stern. He looks like a chicken. Señor and Señorita Sandwich. Hmmm... maybe Danny Devito and Rhea Pearlman? The Spit Brothers is a tough one. How 'bout Rick Moranis and Jason Alexander? They could use the work.

All America wants to know - boxers or Underoos?

I like to keep the "Little Wobblers" as far away from the body as possible. Definitely boxers.

There’s a pretty picture. Let’s try and erase that from our minds. If there were ever a fire in your home, what would be the 1st thing you would grab?

My "Little Wobblers!" (laughs)

Oh, gosh! Uh…change subject - We don't often see any Gobler Toy commercials on TV. Is there something we should know?

Buddy, you ain't watchin' the right channels! I got a commercial running right now for "Under-Bed Pets." You musta seen it. They're sticky, naked animals that you put under the bed. When the dust and hair cling to them, they grow fur. I sold five thousand pieces of them last week at Kmart alone.

We’re embarrassed to admit that we've missed those commercials, so let’s change the subject again, real quick. What kind of vehicle do you drive? And what kind of horn does it have?

I don't drive anymore. End of story. Don't say anything more about it or this interview is over.

In a fight, who would win - Yanni or John Tesh?

I don't know who this Yanni guy is, but John Tesh is a good friend. That doesn't mean I wouldn't like to punch him myself sometimes. I like him best when he isn't playing his godawful music. Sometimes he lets me draw treasure maps on his chin.

Can you tell everyone just how important and crucial Popcereal is to the lives of all Americans? Or would that be too presumptuous?

I've never eaten Pop Cereal. That sounds like it would be really bad for your teeth.

Well, it’s not really a – oh, forget it. Thank you for letting us sit down with you, Mr. Gobler. Are there any final thoughts that you wish to share with us.

Yes, there is. Owning a dog is like having a mentally -handicapped friend with really quick reflexes.

Oh, one last question - do you validate parking?

No.

With that simple reply, Ira left the interview and disappeared into the elevator. After helping ourselves to several fistfuls of candy from the complimentary goodie dish, we headed back to our AMC Eagle. When we presented the parking stub to the garage attendant, he said, "Mr. Gobler's taken care of it! And he told me to give you this!" It was a garlic-scented kite that giggled.